7iv3

you know that he loves you when...

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 at 2:59pm
he calls you or goes to have a video conference with you everyday even when he hasn't had his breakfast yet and to cheer you up he sends several kisses to the camera while chatting with you... and then sings you the "cica mica song" (egy cica ket cica szaz cica hey megfogta az icipici egeret) when there's 20 people around in the crew library. he trustes you even when it's known that most of your friends are male and you're away from him... and he's willing to stay an undetermined extra months on board just to be with you.
he takes you to have an ice cream after you had and fixed an argument
he pulls you to get you in bed with him to warm you holding you (and asking for nothing else) when you arrive from outside and you're freezing cold and he's been nice and warm having his afternoon nap.
he makes sure you're comfortable right before he kisses you every night before going to sleep, in fact, he makes sure you're comfy all the time aware that he's dealing with a woman, not with a girl.
he tries to do not wake you up when you're still sleeping and he has to start his day earlier... and when he wakes you up he's careful. he lets himself being pulled by you when you hold him...

and in some way i've learned his way to say "i'm sorry" without using those words and that most of the times he prefers to do instead of just talk... that is Róbert Várszegi, my Gatito

mirror

Thursday, January 7, 2010 at 12:17pm
can't recognize who is in the mirror when it's in front of me
selective amnesia... mental leprosy... once a quick solution
the price shows itself clearly now... how could i believe that it was that easy

songs i had and didn't recognize
things i've done and now i've to run all over the rooms to find who did it
spread in the shallow emptiness of this chimera of mine
once delight turns into delusion
scratching the lighter to recognize my own hands
there's another element in this equation and its solution is within itself
can't reach it, i might delucidate it but i'd be still in the high fields of speculation
where everything blooms and never dies
never dies

crossing fingers, tipping "fast"
now... just a little sight above the thin brown line...
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randomness

Saturday, November 14, 2009 at 12:26pm
music has been my sanctuary for ages... there will never be a song refusing to be played or asking me questions, it will sound and I'll take what I need and in the middle of sounds and a nice randomized playlist (with tunes that I picked previously depending on my mood, ha!) I suddenly find the basic for of myself to comfront when I'm not able to say "I'm fine" without lying.
In a few words: it's the catalyzer I use when I can't balance my equation on my own... and eventually Greta is Greta again, the core that decides what is to be done and followed. Nothing to fear though, I don't get into fights unless I feel they're worth to fight (or the prize is worth the effort) - sorry if it hurts but I can't help being competitive, I've learned to lose in the last 10 years but honestly I will always run and prefer the taste of victory - oh, ephemeral feeling, when everybody is gone and the cheering is shut down, all you know is that no one has the most ridiculous idea of how it feels... although I can compare it to the feeling when snowboarding or that sort of things.

* for the manual: it's easier to deal with me when I'm paying attention to music with lyrics, when I'm into fully instrumental, please don't ask questions, thanks :)

still... random lines of the songs i asked the winamp throw at me "randomly"
what comes around goes around/i'm bringing sexy back/intro of dani California/scar tissue/Woe to You Oh Earth and Sea/soooooo understaaaand, don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years/RUN TO THE HILLS RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!/one minute here, one minute there/talking to myyyyyyself, everybody's staring at me, i'm only bleediiiiiing/WE CARE A LOT! about the little things, the bigger things we top/so much blood/tommy the cat intro/i want a girl with a mind like a diamong, i want a girl who knows what's best.../don't you, forget about me/the devil went down to georgia... you're pretty good ol' son/8-6-7-5-3-0-9/i'll wait for you there, like a stone/i know it sounds funny but i just can't stand the pain/lil' sister, why you're all alone?/But then someday people look at you for what they call their own/watch out for people with big feet... just because you're a lizzard doesn't mean you're safe/it's bittersweet... surrender/yo pretty ladies around the world...WORD UP!/i got a pocket full of... kryptoniiiiiite/do i deserve to be? is that the question?/i know you/take care not to make me enter, if i do we both may disappear/Ooh, once upon a time I could LOSE myself, yeah.../he don't know, so he chases them away/see this needle/She don't wander in here...don't wander in here.../dancing days are here again/would?/i just can't look, it's kiling me, and taking control/I got two turntables and a microphone, Where it's at?!/i seem to recognize your face/ IT'S EVOLUTION BABY!!!!! /aaaand i feel that time's a-wasting, go/this one, said he wants to buy you rockets/once divided...nothing left to subtract...some words when spoken...can't be taken back...walks on his own...with thoughts he can't help thinking...future's above...but in the past he's slow and sinking...caught a bolt 'a lightnin'...cursed the day he let it go.../I don't wanna stay/it's in your face but you can't grab it.../you will never understand cos it happens too fast/i've gone hungry/Of what was everything? Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed Everything.../i'm going to disneyland/don't call me daughter/this is getting old and so are you...everything you know and never knew...will run through your fingers just like sand - enjoy it while you can -/I know the pieces fit cause I watched them fall away/i ask how are you, yeah, how are you?/She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man.../please, please, please...don't go on me/will I wake up, some dream I made up, no i guess it's reality/you cannot quit me so quickly, there's no hope in you for me? no corner you could squeeze me, but i got all the time for you loooooove/talk to me now i'm older/early in the morning... love's what I got, don't start a riot, you'll feel it when the dance gets hot/you could have a big dipper... going up and down, all around the bends/here's a little song i wrote/blitzkrieg bop/hey where did we go? days when the rains came/una luz reflejada... la modelo mirando a la nada/LIVE BABY LIVE!/I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN, YOU NAY EVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN/i can tell by the way you talk, you wanna be alone with him/shock the monkey/stand back... i said, stand back!/i hope you had the time of your life/where it began, i can't begin to know, but then i know it's growing strong/girl i want to be with you in the daytime.../all my instincts, they return/load up your guns, bring your friends/what's going wrong with the world? i don't even know what's going on/i've had the blues, the reds and the pinks, but one thing's for sure/life's is rich, but it's way too short/PANAMA/the monster's loose and now you have to choose and prove that you can take it to the top before you fall/we're only making plans for nigel, we only want what's best for him/look in my eyes, what do you see?/iiiiiiii'm coming out so you'd better get this party started/i am unwritten/playing for the high one, dancing with the devil,going with the flow, it's all a game to me/she was more than beautiful
closer to etherial with a kind of down to earth flavor/heeeere comes the hot stepper/don't understimate me boy, i'll make you sorry you were born/well I'm gonna get up in the morning hit the highway 49/can you read my mind?/all my friends know a lowrider/don't have to be rich to be my girl/beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young/i'm a new soul i came to this strange world hoping to learn something give and take/everybody's got somebody/sittin' in the morning sun/disappear/i guess it's nothing new `cause nobody's listening it's like giants falling down/people keeps repeating that you'll never fall in love/my heart going boom boom boom/trees are green, red roses too, i see them bloom for me and you... and i think to myself/

and to close this senseless note... full lyrics of wiser time...

No time left now for shame
Horizon behind me, no more pain
Windswept stars blink and smile
Another song, another mile

You read the line every time
Ask me about crime in my mind
Ask me why another road song
Funny but I bet you never left home

On a good day, I know it aint every day
We can part the sea
And on a bad day, I know it aint every day
Glory beyond our reach

Fourteen seconds until sunrise
Tired but wiser for the time
Lightning 30 miles away
Three thousand more in two days


(damn it!, I always find something nice with these guys)
now that i'm about to get intoxicated with the stranglers' golden brown... catch you later!
no... it's going to be a version of satriani's crystal planet, oh my, under these circumstances the difference between heaven and hell is the absence of this song... gracias otra vez, Sr. Satriani!

From here to there... anywhere

Tuesday, October 20, 2009 at 1:19pm
surf the wave, ride the moutain... take it as it comes, keep the best, discard what is useless... that was pretty much what I thought before I started this ship's life. This philosophy was extremely useful while dealing with the expected and not so forseen situations, managing to keep myself alive without killing in the process (oooh, but how close I've been... just a single move, and it'll look like a silly accident!).... anyways! among those unforseen things that really surprised me as it developed was meeting and starting something with someone who was looking for a relationship as I did (this means, none of us were eager of getting into plans and promises and the kids' name will be) so the expectations were very little, just one day at the time. A little of this, a little of that, oh demons each one likes more and more what finds in each other and after turning the page we had to admit that there was something a little more than just "oh well, I'm with you just because you're here and we can support each other"... I waited for him as he waited for me, we celebrated one year in august and then I flew from my chaotic city to his land, Gatunulandia, or Magyarország (aka. Hungary) and it seems that all this joy and comfort we have with each other remains and the feeling got stronger... I don't know but like we said in the beginning "We'll see what happens"... damn it! I've said that before and I've to put it down "o sea, a nadie he extraniado asi, le doy vueltas al asunto y las cosas caen y encajan por que si... y eso que mas estoy viendo por mi, toy mal pues tio, que quieres q haga, asumir no mas pues, ya pues, como dicen ahi, estoy en el charco y me revuelco con mas felicidad que un chancho" (ha, bien animalito salvaje salio eso)
Fun fact, in 14 months we've had only 3 disagreements, not even "fights", I think the key word here is how easygoing he is, and I love it.
The atmosphere is so peaceful, warm (despite the fact that the temperature was around 0 celsius on my first days) and, even with a language bridge to cross (funny thing is that I get to identify the words they say most of the times but don't ask me about the meaning... I'll get there, if I made it with english, japanese & german, I think I"ll make it) I feel comfortable here... the most probable thing is because Gatunu is here, Thanx Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaatuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. GATUNU!

surf the wave, ride the mountain... tomalo como venga, quedate con lo mejor, descarta lo que no sirve... esa era la idea de lo que pensaba antes de empezar esta vida de barco. Esta filosofia fue extremadamente util lidiando con situaciones esperadas y no tan visionadas, arreglandomelas para mantenerme viva sin matar en el proceso (oooh, pero que cerca he estado... solo un movimiento, y lucira como un accidente tonto!)... de todas formas! dentro de esas cosas no visionadas que realmente me sorprendieron a medida que se desarrollaron fue conocer y empezar algo con alguien que estaba buscando por una relacion tanto como yo (esto es, ninguno estaba loco por involucrarse en planes y promesas y que nombre tendran los hijos) asi que las expectativas fueron pocas, solo un dia a la vez. Un poco de esto, un poco de lo otro, o diablos a cada uno le gusta mas lo que va encontrando en el otro y despeus de voltear la pagina tuvimos que admitir que habia algo mas que simplemente "oh bien, estoy contigo por que estas aca y nos podemos apoyar uno al otro"... Yo espere por el y el espero por mi, celebramos un anio en agosto y despues vole desde mi caotica ciudad a su tierra, Gatunolandia, o Magyarország (tambien conocido como Hungria) y parece que toda esta alegria y comodidad que tenemos mutuamente se mantiene y el sentimiento es mas fuerte... No se pero como dijimos al principio "veremos que pasa"... diablos! He dicho esto antes y debo escribirlo "I mean, I haven't missed anyone like that, I turn over the issue and things fall and fit just because... and considering that I'm looking after myself, I'm ill dude, what do you want me to do? to asume and that's it, like they say around, I'm in the pud and I'm twisting with more happiness than a pig" (ha, it was very wild little animal kind of thing)
Hecho curioso, en 14 meses hemos tenido solo 3 desacuerdos, nisiquiera "peleas", creo que la palabra clave es cuan tolerante es el, y me encanta.
La atmosfera es tan tranquila, calida (a pesar de que la temperatura estuvo alrededor de los 0 celsius en mis primeros dias) y aun con un puente de idioma que cruzar (lo gracioso es que llego a identificar las palabras que usan con mas frecuencia pero no me pregunten sobre que significan... llegare ahi, si lo hice con ingles, japones y aleman, creo que la hago) me siento comoda aca... y lo mas probable es por que Gatunu esta aqui, Gracias Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaatuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. GATUNU!

there are things that go through our lives, tken almost like granted, guaranteed, as solid as the earth we live on... but as we grow we leave it or it leaves us, either way, nothing's forever...

there was a time i would stare at the clock, holding my spoon full of the soup i was eating patiently, and caressly i would think "and in a couple of hours I'll watch Samurai X". Predictable, simple, redundantly without complications and I was happy, not because nothing was out of control... because there was nothing to worry about. Life was incredibly easy for me.

It was easy to fly away with some stories, I barely had to pay attention to the current events to get through them successfully... and although most of my decisions about my life were heavily influenced by others they luckily suited my own desires. Irresponsible I was, in most extents. Tasks were given to me and my own responsibility was to succeed, no less, no more... my pride was too strong to allow myself any other choice. Failure was unthinkable and in fact I was a lucky first timer in many things I did.

But... my luck didn't last forever. like a credit card, the bill finally arrived and piled one above another as I tried to deny my responsibility on that. Alright, I did the tasks I was given, but it was ages since the last time I took charge of the first and primary task I had, given by no one but myself: my own life. How I got to pay it, easy, with the precise amount of sorrow, pain and tears, regrets are and never were part of the currency, they are just the old bills at the bottom of a pocket that get stuck when you wash them. They are useless but to leave white fibers everywhere, so the best thing to do is to get rid of them.

I remember when the wolf and the manslayer fought, it was the most amazing fight I saw ever, even now. I remember the look, I remember the eyes, I remember the character, the tension. I would swear I was there too. the thin line between this and that reality was trespassed once again, 10 minutes? more than enough. That was the time needed to change everything in that story and those character's lives. No one can deny what lies in their own nature, in their own heart.

I was. I am. I will be.

Two of them don't matter at all. Only present matters.

There was a time I would stare at the clock without worries on time, yesterday or tomorrow. There was a time I didn't care about time. And I knew happiness.

(part of Heart of Sword, by TM Revolution, Rurouni Kenshin, 3rd ending)
Hitori de wa, tooi ashita wo (When I'm alone, tomorrow feels far away.)
Yoake no mama de, koesou de (And I must go over still into the darkness of dawn)

pasó un inusual día
inesperado tal cual empezó
sin aviso ni consideración
la montaña de tan sólo desapareció
ese aprecio fue otorgado al mismo grado a todo
y entonces la diferencia dejó de existir
no mas montañas
sólo un vasto plano sin color, sin textura, sin sabor ni sonido
una vasta "nada" que es cualquier cosa menos un vacío
ese sentimiento lo había llenado todo
tal vez yo no he crecido
tal vez sea que aún estoy inmersa en todo ello
pudiendo respirar pero sin reconocer dónde está la superficie

no siento nada
nada me sobresalta
con impávida sensación dibujo una sonrisa
haciendo memoria de lo que era felicidad
la tristeza me es ajena también
recuerdo ese no tan lejano pasado en el que salté jubilosa por una respuesta
que fue aquello?
que fue esa sensación de volar aun siendo consciente de tener los pies en la tierra?
que fue eso de ser más consciente de que las cosas pueden ser mejor?
como sucedió el poder sentir que a pesar que todo está hecho una mierda, hay esperanza?
sólo un par de eventos y ese sentimiento lo llenó todo
asimilando todo lo demás
regresando casi a lo mismo
a este conjunto unitario,
otra vez como al principio
aunque no tan igual

no puedo decir que esto me entristece o me alegra
pues no hay forma en que la nostalgia crezca en un universo ya dominado por el presente
las ilusiones son abortadas mucho antes que sean concebidas
y si en libertad se les deja, simplemente es por distracción
aunque ya no es lo mismo
el truco de magia necesita que el público desconozca el mecanismo de la ilusión

es un terreno fértil, lo sé
en esta inhabilidad de volver a cultivar ilusiones ya sólo me queda trabajar con hechos
o pasar estas ilusiones a su forma concreta... los campos en donde una vez corrí, ya sólo los veo y cuando vuelvo a volar, me rio de mi misma
por que descubrí en mí cómo es el truco
por que una de mis pocas diversiones es hallar la sorpresa no descubierta
pero cómo hacerlo si conozco esta forma primaria?
es como haber visto a los payasos maquillarse otra vez
pero el problema es muchísimo mas grave ahora
ya no tengo a donde correr en esta histeria de salvación

todos pueden meterse a sus templos, a sus historias y a sus vicios
yo... ya no puedo hacerlo como antes pues
conozco la maquinaria
sólo me queda confrontar las cosas como son

y me río de todo ello

Ayer no tuvo nada particular, a excepción de la inolvidable e hipnotizante presencia del amante bandido que apareció como un lobo en la noche, en córvido traje encandiló mucho más que un duende superando al juego de luces e imágenes que en el fondo se desplegaba.

Creo en ti hombre, aunque he oido varias veces eso de que los chicos no lloran, apostaría que más de uno no se aguantó las ganas al oir esas canciones que les permitió ganarse el corazón de esa linda amiga aun sin comprender el teorema de amor, les diste suficiente coraje para poder decir te amare antes de morir de amor.

Mirarte y escucharte fue caminar sobre las hojas secas desde Sevilla hasta de esos jardines frente al mar junto al faro donde el hijo del Capitán Trueno canta a esas sirenas que buscaron alguna vez Gulliver, encontrándose con este sereno personaje que no repara en dar bambú mientras susurra "morenamia" a su nena después de cuestionarse si se la come o no.

La belleza en el mensaje se puso muy por encima de los gritos desesperados del público que casi al final reclamó esa canción que parecía no querías cantar, gracias hombre pues ésta es la última vez que interpretarás esa canción bajo el reflejo en la luna de un sol forastero.

El concierto se me pasó como un suspiro, te propongo un trato, estaré en primera fila, tú sólo mantente en escenarios por más tiempo.

/.../

Ahora entre estas reminiscencias, dime entonces, tu que en este período en que yo he vivido has hecho lo que la gana te ha dado, cómo armas todas estas cosas que yo he visto pasar como ilusiones, diseccionado, analizando y sintetizando hasta casi armar fórmulas de eventos y sucesiones infinitas que arman todo como previsible, que han convertido ese panorama gobernado por picos sorpresas, tormentas, retos y misterios en un estéril plano sin más a la vista que el delgado horizonte que apenas sirve de recordatorio de discernimiento entre el cielo y la tierra, el mar queda lejos y lo jalo a mis espaldas... dime tú que has podido comprender todo ese sentimiento en tus canciones, es tan sujeto a nuestras decisiones, a nuestras ganas de creer? a nuestras necesidades?
Ayer te escuché y me permití creer que no se trataron de líneas chapuceras, recurrentes venideras en el momento que el mercader viene a reclamar por su tajada peor que el mecenas que sólo espera ser inmoralizado en alguna obra de sus protegidos.
Mientras espero tu respuesta sé que algo es muy cierto, quienes con franqueza no esperan un espejo para reconocerse, no están solos... gracias por estar ahi, no dejaré de cantar, sólo te pido sigas ahí disponible para verte otra vez pues siendo francos, si tu no vuelves, yo te busco para volverte a ver.

ah pasado mucho tiempo desde la última vez que hice una invocación para celebrar mi cumpleaños... 13 años aproximadamente
mi sorpresa fue variada, entre rostros ausentes y otros presentes que casi desconocí así como aquellos, aunque distantes, no se borraron en el tiempo... familia y amigos, en esencia para mi son lo mismo
no pedi deseo alguno al soplar las velas, no por que ya no haya nada que desear sino por que a estas alturas de mi existencia se que lo mejor es simplemente hacer que las cosas sucedan
supongo que este es el tipo de cosas que suelen suceder cuando los años pasan
lindo precedente para lo que se viene...

la vida monastica esta rayando en lo insoportable para mi persona... NECESITO algo que invite a tener vértigo, superar algún reto decente que no implique necesariamente fechas límite sino algo que resuelva la vida de un momento a otro... las dunas de Ica me invitan a lanzarme por una corrida de casi 2 km asi que, a terminar mi más reciente misión y entonces, como dijo alguien, "reach for the sky"

/.../

the monastic life is scratching the unbearable for me... I NEED something that invites me to feel some vertigo, surpass some decent challenge that doesn't necesarily imply a deadline but resolves life from one instant to another... the dunes of Ica are inviting me to throw myself to a 2 km run so, let's finish my most recent mission and then, like somebody said, "reach for the sky"

02:30:15

ayer yo recorde,
cuando en un concurso de poesía
con este texto me presenté

"largo poema para su edad"
quizás algunos pensarían
"tituberá y algunas líneas se comerá"
entre murmuros callados esconderían

pero no fue así
poema sugerido por mi madre y con su ayuda pude yo aprenderme éste y muchos textos más
pues ya antes me había adiestrado sin cesar
en este arte/oficio de tomar palabra ajena
y tentar a las musas invocar,
a Caliope y Talía de preferencia
pues mis temas en esos días
aventuras y travesuras incluían

y este es un poema,
que para mi sorpresa aún puedo retomar
con tan sólo oir las primeras líneas
para con el resto sólo continuar

lo leo otra vez y con satisfacción sonrío
de poder contener hasta ahora
este lindo poema/cuento/historia
escrito alguna vez por Ruben Darío

A Margarita Debayle


Margarita está linda la mar,
y el viento,
lleva esencia sutil de azahar;
yo siento
en el alma una alondra cantar;
tu acento:
Margarita, te voy a contar
un cuento:

Esto era un rey que tenía
un palacio de diamantes,
una tienda hecha de día
y un rebaño de elefantes,
un kiosko de malaquita,
un gran manto de tisú,
y una gentil princesita,
tan bonita,
Margarita,
tan bonita, como tú.

Una tarde, la princesa
vio una estrella aparecer;
la princesa era traviesa
y la quiso ir a coger.

La quería para hacerla
decorar un prendedor,
con un verso y una perla
y una pluma y una flor.

Las princesas primorosas
se parecen mucho a ti:
cortan lirios, cortan rosas,
cortan astros. Son así.

Pues se fue la niña bella,
bajo el cielo y sobre el mar,
a cortar la blanca estrella
que la hacía suspirar.

Y siguió camino arriba,
por la luna y más allá;
más lo malo es que ella iba
sin permiso de papá.

Cuando estuvo ya de vuelta
de los parques del Señor,
se miraba toda envuelta
en un dulce resplandor.

Y el rey dijo: «¿Qué te has hecho?
te he buscado y no te hallé;
y ¿qué tienes en el pecho
que encendido se te ve?».

La princesa no mentía.
Y así, dijo la verdad:
«Fui a cortar la estrella mía
a la azul inmensidad».

Y el rey clama: «¿No te he dicho
que el azul no hay que cortar?.
¡Qué locura!, ¡Qué capricho!...
El Señor se va a enojar».

Y ella dice: «No hubo intento;
yo me fui no sé por qué.
Por las olas por el viento
fui a la estrella y la corté».

Y el papá dice enojado:
«Un castigo has de tener:
vuelve al cielo y lo robado
vas ahora a devolver».

La princesa se entristece
por su dulce flor de luz,
cuando entonces aparece
sonriendo el Buen Jesús.

Y así dice: «En mis campiñas
esa rosa le ofrecí;
son mis flores de las niñas
que al soñar piensan en mí».

Viste el rey pompas brillantes,
y luego hace desfilar
cuatrocientos elefantes
a la orilla de la mar.

La princesita está bella,
pues ya tiene el prendedor
en que lucen, con la estrella,
verso, perla, pluma y flor.

Margarita, está linda la mar,
y el viento
lleva esencia sutil de azahar:
tu aliento.

Ya que lejos de mí vas a estar,
guarda, niña, un gentil pensamiento
al que un día te quiso contar
un cuento.
23:55:21