Wednesday, June 28, 2006
~_~
is it what i think it seems? i'm to tired to feel the difference, in fact, i just don't want to make the effort to feel it... and i fall into that trap i've built for myself... it's the same sound (that song is amazing) without words takes me to another place, where i can take a break from everything.. no one there but me and all the shadows i can summon there, i wish they weren't just shadows... but hell, if everything would be as easy as that, i think i wouldn't spend as much time here as i do...
and i admit it, i'm addicted to fantasy, traveled there too often to notice when i departed and when i arrived... it's so perfect... and it's so painful to know "it's not real"... and yet, i do it again... and again, and again... creeping feelings down my spine when i feel the wind or the vertigo when i'm jumping or just smiling at a character on my mind... yeah if someone asks me, i've written all that... some say i shouldn't do it anymore... so do i... but... i've found no reason strong enough to stop myself from doing it, in fact, once i did... but is gone...
Currently listening:
Tsubasa Chronicle: Future Soundscape V.1
By: Japanimation
and i admit it, i'm addicted to fantasy, traveled there too often to notice when i departed and when i arrived... it's so perfect... and it's so painful to know "it's not real"... and yet, i do it again... and again, and again... creeping feelings down my spine when i feel the wind or the vertigo when i'm jumping or just smiling at a character on my mind... yeah if someone asks me, i've written all that... some say i shouldn't do it anymore... so do i... but... i've found no reason strong enough to stop myself from doing it, in fact, once i did... but is gone...
Currently listening:
Tsubasa Chronicle: Future Soundscape V.1
By: Japanimation
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
+_+
sniffin under my pillow... no it isn't there... i take my blankets off... there it is... lost for centuries, that single part i was starting to get used to get out without... patience
grabbing all these things making a big ball of furry memories to throw to the corner of my room, the less walked one... lights are still dim, i don't care, i can't stay here anymore
i'm draggin my bones to the bathroom, a quick shower, i go out, clothes on me again, close to be ready... today is hunting day? oh poor of them, i'm starting to feel sorry for them... but well, if they're fool enough to swallow the decoy, well, they might be breathing someone else's air...
i open the curtains, the sky is so fair, quiet... alien to all mortal's affairs and yet, with something that seems charity more than anything else, lets a few rays to touch us in those moments when we're too alone to notice the crowd we're into... i say hi... it's been a long time (yeah, just one day) and farewell, i'm departing to my new adventure, new preys, more action... just... another way to feel my blood in my veins... but tonight... i feel more like climbing to the highest part and stare at the stars while i write about those silly things i've done once (and again)... i grab my notebook.. and the camera.. if i change my mood i'd like pics of the events
flirty city, it'll allure anyone who hasn't met her yet, will let them fall into their traps and it'll swallow them without chewing them first... and then... just spit them when they're not juicy enough... who's today's fool? just temember, if it happens to you, let it drain you as quick as you can, so you can get out sooner and recover even faster, if you screwed up, then do it until you reach the bottom, never leave something half-done
DAMN IT where am i? i shouldn't write and walk at the same time, that's how i've lost my path the last times!... anyway, looks like something could happen here.. well, let's make it happen
1... 2... 3... jump... turn.... shoot... hang on... swing twice, let loose.... fly for 4 seconds... don't hit the wall with your head (it always hurt)... turn.... climb... climb... climb... climb... (damn it! this is high!)... oh demons... wacky ones chasing me, at least it worked.... run... grab your stuff, you don't wanna let it drop here... aim high... shoot... oh demons, i should have left the spare hooks at home... so i guess, this is the moment when i put everything on my back... and fight... a fair fight...
oh demons... they weren't that much the last time i looked back.... anyway... it's me or them... let's make it "them"... as long as i can...
Currently listening:
Weiss Kreuz Best Album
By: Japanimation
grabbing all these things making a big ball of furry memories to throw to the corner of my room, the less walked one... lights are still dim, i don't care, i can't stay here anymore
i'm draggin my bones to the bathroom, a quick shower, i go out, clothes on me again, close to be ready... today is hunting day? oh poor of them, i'm starting to feel sorry for them... but well, if they're fool enough to swallow the decoy, well, they might be breathing someone else's air...
i open the curtains, the sky is so fair, quiet... alien to all mortal's affairs and yet, with something that seems charity more than anything else, lets a few rays to touch us in those moments when we're too alone to notice the crowd we're into... i say hi... it's been a long time (yeah, just one day) and farewell, i'm departing to my new adventure, new preys, more action... just... another way to feel my blood in my veins... but tonight... i feel more like climbing to the highest part and stare at the stars while i write about those silly things i've done once (and again)... i grab my notebook.. and the camera.. if i change my mood i'd like pics of the events
flirty city, it'll allure anyone who hasn't met her yet, will let them fall into their traps and it'll swallow them without chewing them first... and then... just spit them when they're not juicy enough... who's today's fool? just temember, if it happens to you, let it drain you as quick as you can, so you can get out sooner and recover even faster, if you screwed up, then do it until you reach the bottom, never leave something half-done
DAMN IT where am i? i shouldn't write and walk at the same time, that's how i've lost my path the last times!... anyway, looks like something could happen here.. well, let's make it happen
1... 2... 3... jump... turn.... shoot... hang on... swing twice, let loose.... fly for 4 seconds... don't hit the wall with your head (it always hurt)... turn.... climb... climb... climb... climb... (damn it! this is high!)... oh demons... wacky ones chasing me, at least it worked.... run... grab your stuff, you don't wanna let it drop here... aim high... shoot... oh demons, i should have left the spare hooks at home... so i guess, this is the moment when i put everything on my back... and fight... a fair fight...
oh demons... they weren't that much the last time i looked back.... anyway... it's me or them... let's make it "them"... as long as i can...
Currently listening:
Weiss Kreuz Best Album
By: Japanimation
Monday, June 26, 2006
"shall we dance?"
fingers tipping on the keys... introducing us to: ourselves... a look, a little glance to realise this is the time we were waiting for... a brief smile, no fear and we start
321 321... that's how we met, i was strolling down the hill and you suddenly appeared - - what? did i miss something? oh my you've got my hat... brief chat, hi & good bye... the carnival started and i'm not ready yet... but you look so beautiful you said... oh, you said...
i look at the sky... glamourous clouds crown the sun without hesitation... and you held me, slightly dizzy i felt, and yes, it's so strange because i don't feel uncomfortable even knowing we're strangers...
3 2 ...1... 3 2 ...1 ... it's a kind of a natural development, the sun shines, the rain falls... and the way we fit together right in the precise moment, in the precise place... i can barely even think about forgetting it... ooh... then you smile
am i getting late? am i missing my point? not at all i guess, this was one of those unexpected things to happen, we pictured them all of our lives and when it comes to be... FAR MUCH BETTER!
Currently listening:
Howl's Moving Castle
By: Joe Hisaishi
321 321... that's how we met, i was strolling down the hill and you suddenly appeared - - what? did i miss something? oh my you've got my hat... brief chat, hi & good bye... the carnival started and i'm not ready yet... but you look so beautiful you said... oh, you said...
i look at the sky... glamourous clouds crown the sun without hesitation... and you held me, slightly dizzy i felt, and yes, it's so strange because i don't feel uncomfortable even knowing we're strangers...
3 2 ...1... 3 2 ...1 ... it's a kind of a natural development, the sun shines, the rain falls... and the way we fit together right in the precise moment, in the precise place... i can barely even think about forgetting it... ooh... then you smile
am i getting late? am i missing my point? not at all i guess, this was one of those unexpected things to happen, we pictured them all of our lives and when it comes to be... FAR MUCH BETTER!
Currently listening:
Howl's Moving Castle
By: Joe Hisaishi
Friday, June 23, 2006
-
just dropping a line to myself so i can remember this akward moment when i'm getting someone's help 57 minutes to midnight... (55 less and it'd be iron maiden's) anyway... today i knew that the doctor won't be able to heal Tiamat's disease, so we'll watch him getting worse (eventually)... it's part of life some say... but hell, i've gotta get over it and enjoy every day that is left with Tiamat, the Great
on the other hand i'm getting sick of school, more than before, but hell, i'm close to the end.. i can't give up, not again
and if you ever had something to tell me...
SAY IT FOR GODSAKE!!!
time waits for nobody, death comes to us all
and it sucks to recall your life with sentences that begin with "what if i" of " i should/could/would have..."... there are few things that are really yours to give in this existence, your life is one of them, shape it according to your decisions without fear, obligation or guilt...
and it sucks to recall your life with sentences that begin with "what if i" of " i should/could/would have..."... there are few things that are really yours to give in this existence, your life is one of them, shape it according to your decisions without fear, obligation or guilt...
and above all
read more books and watch less tv... or was it read more tv and watch less books.... o book more tvs and read less watches? whatever... i think you've got the point
read more books and watch less tv... or was it read more tv and watch less books.... o book more tvs and read less watches? whatever... i think you've got the point
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
analyze this
these weeks i've been talking with a friend, someone i met again before my winter trip, ain't that amazing how people evolves with all that they have to go through? well, that was what happened then and it was great to find out that we still had each other for good conversations, support, jokes and that insanity which becomes part of yourself after you're exposed to all that stuff that takes you out of this reality without being illegal, hey! i mean mangas, comics, anime, movies, etc, etc.
Well, this fella has been going out with a girl since then, and things haven't been working out as well as both of them wanted, they've realised none of them want to "lose this time", she doesn't want to admit they're in something more than "going out" (even when she acts like she wants it) and he refuses to admit he's thinking much further than just a "bf/gf status". But they're stuck with each other... to be rejected by the other and swallow that loneliness (again)
It's almost like the song says, they're under each other's thumb... conformism, restless conformism, preffering a "better than nothing" than being on themselves, forget about a "good shag" almost every night and someone who'll hold them when they're sleeping... sounds almost sweet, isn't it? but what if there are a lot of things unsaid of if your partner doesn't want to change things that hurt you and themselves too?... as far as i know (and he realised it too) it's like a hideout from all those things they don't want to accept of the world, and basically, of themselves.
So that's how i've become some sort of psychologist, without anyone's permission but my own, listening, asking and realising once again that people, boys and girls, women and men are looking basically for the same pack "someone to share" and the features of those "dreamed ones" repeat once and again, and again and again...
Then i wonder why is it too hard for almost everyone to find "the right one"... some find them... but they don't feel like they deserve them... some don't see them even when they're next to them... so it's kinda funny, ironic... on the other hand, everyone has an ideal, but is everyone the ideal's ideal?... may be that's the problem... aiming high, without being ready for it... and that's how we miss, we lose, we face we weren't good enough for it... and most of the time, people chooses for staying where they're instead of changing those things that didn't help to get their goals, even so, they don't change the target... and obviously, it won't work... so that's how people ends frustrated and angry with life, but deep inside they know they aren't angry with life, they're angry with themselves... and even when they have all the tools to change it, they don't because "it's better to stay on the known and 'safe' side instead of breaking one's self-set limits"...
Currently listening:
Lullaby
By: Shawn Mullins
Well, this fella has been going out with a girl since then, and things haven't been working out as well as both of them wanted, they've realised none of them want to "lose this time", she doesn't want to admit they're in something more than "going out" (even when she acts like she wants it) and he refuses to admit he's thinking much further than just a "bf/gf status". But they're stuck with each other... to be rejected by the other and swallow that loneliness (again)
It's almost like the song says, they're under each other's thumb... conformism, restless conformism, preffering a "better than nothing" than being on themselves, forget about a "good shag" almost every night and someone who'll hold them when they're sleeping... sounds almost sweet, isn't it? but what if there are a lot of things unsaid of if your partner doesn't want to change things that hurt you and themselves too?... as far as i know (and he realised it too) it's like a hideout from all those things they don't want to accept of the world, and basically, of themselves.
So that's how i've become some sort of psychologist, without anyone's permission but my own, listening, asking and realising once again that people, boys and girls, women and men are looking basically for the same pack "someone to share" and the features of those "dreamed ones" repeat once and again, and again and again...
Then i wonder why is it too hard for almost everyone to find "the right one"... some find them... but they don't feel like they deserve them... some don't see them even when they're next to them... so it's kinda funny, ironic... on the other hand, everyone has an ideal, but is everyone the ideal's ideal?... may be that's the problem... aiming high, without being ready for it... and that's how we miss, we lose, we face we weren't good enough for it... and most of the time, people chooses for staying where they're instead of changing those things that didn't help to get their goals, even so, they don't change the target... and obviously, it won't work... so that's how people ends frustrated and angry with life, but deep inside they know they aren't angry with life, they're angry with themselves... and even when they have all the tools to change it, they don't because "it's better to stay on the known and 'safe' side instead of breaking one's self-set limits"...
Currently listening:
Lullaby
By: Shawn Mullins
Sunday, June 18, 2006
empty spaces
looking around before the last show starts
we're all tired.. too tired to tell... but we have to go on, there's one last show left... with broken hearts, silly thoughts and the brightness of the first time gone... we have nothing else but ourselves to find the inspiration for it... we can't quit now
who'll replace those corpses on the ground?... and regardless of the situation, we have to smile
picking up my stuff, putting everything together just for the moment, that last battle we must stand... hell, too tired, too tired to tell... even so, we have to go on and never let the lights catch us crying... that's when i find my inspiration, just one more time, one more time... one... more... time... and it'll be done
will they ever wonder how did we do this? will they ever understand what took us to make this true? they'll just clap if they liked it, whether we really sacrificed or not...
never let the sun catch you crying... never let the lights catch you without smiling... cry their name, summon your demons to fight and your angels to hold the last breath you don't want to give up... cry their name, and die...
i don't know what else is coming after this, all i know is that i must go through this, i shouldn't care, i shouldn't mourn, i shouldn't even turn back to see those who have fallen... but hell (once again) i do... holding my devices of art, blood and sweat on my face, that dirty disaster on my head, my body is weak by now... i barely can breath... but i take that last race... and i charge one last time...
hey... feels like the first time here
Currently listening:
Innuendo
By Queen
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
short
"trust me" was never said... yet i did... that's why i'm walking back home alone again, wondering if all that was said was true...
"trusting someone shouldn't be that hard, people makes it hard" even so, knowing it i did, i'm closer to the place i sleep, or i'll just change my clothes to go out again
"i don't think we'll ever meet again" i thought, that idea struck my mind as fast as i discarded any other chance, trying to put everything in that big bag of past and "try to forget" things... "it should be easier, i mean, it's my mind isn't it?... but hell it is not"
i was looking at that amount of snow at my door, "i should make time to play with it before it melts" then i thought about the ridiculous metaphore relating to what happened, "that's insane, i'm sabotaging myself", opened my door, got in and just took a shower and changed my clothes, and got out, i don't want to let myself lie on the bed and stare at the roof's imperfections letting my mind find patterns which will remind me the latest events... go out... go out... even when i know that i won't be able to escape from myself and i don't wanna die, not now... i just... want to do something else, ok?
i was packing my stuff, this will be over soon, and in another place this will be easier to forget, there are a lot of things better to do, there's a lot of exciting people, new situations, i'll be so busy that i won't realise when the time is gone completely... i guess it happens to everyone
theres a lot unknown between... and we'll live with that all the time, trusting, hoping, relying on them without any "real" argument but our subjective beliefs, trying to open our eyes in a world that demands us to keep them close and walk
i'm with my crew, my people, my friends, we're laughing, they're happy for having this time all together... even so, that missing part, hell could i give myself a break?
this place is amazing, much better than the first time i came
these are odd events, and it helped me in a very odd way to get over a lot of things... my blood still calls for something which isn't here... so i guess i must go for it wherever it is, whatever it is...
that's how we weave our lives, sometimes reality overcomes fiction, sometimes it can be incredibly boring but it'll be just because the cast doesn't want to make it change... the script is on our hands and we can do with it whatever we want, sometime it'll require us to go against the plot we're into, it'll require more courage and effort, but in the end, it won't stay the way we didn't want it to be... we'll be able to see how it was only when we die
jokes
it's hard to classify something that is begining to be... when you find something you missed a long time ago, yet sometimes comes to your mind pretty often (well, not that often), and just when you find it, seems to fit better than it did the first time
the rhythm on the music, the smell in the air... your blood tapping your fingertips in harmony with the sound... the past is trying to take over the situation again because "now" doesn't seem to be better than yesterday, even so, there's still something to do to fix it, isn't it?
so that's how i recalled that song, even when i preffer it on the short version "it can't rain all the time, the sky won't fall forever, it can't rain all the time, your tears won't fall forever"... a vague sound even in the movie, but i liked it a lot... in those days i found pretty interesting to walk in the rain, i still like rain as much as i like to walk on a sunny day... but now... i just look around, everything fits, everything works, i feel part of it... while smile and say "well, i'm ready to go, c'mon there's a lot to do!"... feeling lost sometimes but not as a strayed dog (cats are not lost, they're just having a trip)... not every wanderer is lost nor every walker has lost their path... it's part of this journey which nobody has ever written with directions before because no one has ever had the time to write about it when they really know it (which is when you're dead)
so that's it, could anyone explain it to me?... and i know there won't be an answer because this is one of those things you have to live to learn, there are no words to explain it, there's no other way but face them
at the end... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, since being alive is all i need to go on, then... i just gotta keep going, i won't know what's behind the door if i don't open it
oh... you might be wondering "and where's the joke?"... well the joke is on how am i taking life now, unexpectedly, while i'm trying to find myself in the past i'm slipping away from it because, even when it's very nice and i was happy then... that isn't now... so i can't linger and spend my time, not again.
oh in the name of everything that is sacred... my kingdom, my kingdom for a link... well, nevermind, i can make it on my own... would you like to help?
Currently listening:
Love Is Everything: Anthology (Dig)
By Jane Siberry
the rhythm on the music, the smell in the air... your blood tapping your fingertips in harmony with the sound... the past is trying to take over the situation again because "now" doesn't seem to be better than yesterday, even so, there's still something to do to fix it, isn't it?
so that's how i recalled that song, even when i preffer it on the short version "it can't rain all the time, the sky won't fall forever, it can't rain all the time, your tears won't fall forever"... a vague sound even in the movie, but i liked it a lot... in those days i found pretty interesting to walk in the rain, i still like rain as much as i like to walk on a sunny day... but now... i just look around, everything fits, everything works, i feel part of it... while smile and say "well, i'm ready to go, c'mon there's a lot to do!"... feeling lost sometimes but not as a strayed dog (cats are not lost, they're just having a trip)... not every wanderer is lost nor every walker has lost their path... it's part of this journey which nobody has ever written with directions before because no one has ever had the time to write about it when they really know it (which is when you're dead)
so that's it, could anyone explain it to me?... and i know there won't be an answer because this is one of those things you have to live to learn, there are no words to explain it, there's no other way but face them
at the end... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, since being alive is all i need to go on, then... i just gotta keep going, i won't know what's behind the door if i don't open it
oh... you might be wondering "and where's the joke?"... well the joke is on how am i taking life now, unexpectedly, while i'm trying to find myself in the past i'm slipping away from it because, even when it's very nice and i was happy then... that isn't now... so i can't linger and spend my time, not again.
oh in the name of everything that is sacred... my kingdom, my kingdom for a link... well, nevermind, i can make it on my own... would you like to help?
Currently listening:
Love Is Everything: Anthology (Dig)
By Jane Siberry
Friday, June 09, 2006
walk on...
starts with those sounds like glass or some kind of flute... "woke up this morning and the streets were full of cars..."
that feeling regardless of the sunny sky
woke up, not this morning, but by noon... after questioning and concluding that (hell, it's still hard to admit) i'm keeping this studies just for obligation, guilt and fear... that changes my posibilities to finish it quickly since if i'm not convinced i can't give a 100% to the task... so i have to reprogram myself before it's too late
walked from the looniversity to home yesterday night... not a single bus to take me... but it was great, gave me time to think about the last paragraph and well, now i have a clearer mind for today
so wondering what the hell am i doing while i'm doing it, since i find no reason to hold back it's just questioning the situation i've got in (one of a few)
that feeling regardless of the sunny sky
woke up, not this morning, but by noon... after questioning and concluding that (hell, it's still hard to admit) i'm keeping this studies just for obligation, guilt and fear... that changes my posibilities to finish it quickly since if i'm not convinced i can't give a 100% to the task... so i have to reprogram myself before it's too late
walked from the looniversity to home yesterday night... not a single bus to take me... but it was great, gave me time to think about the last paragraph and well, now i have a clearer mind for today
so wondering what the hell am i doing while i'm doing it, since i find no reason to hold back it's just questioning the situation i've got in (one of a few)
Friday, June 02, 2006
2nd chance
it's not the most usual thing to be... but unexpectedly we've been given one more week to do the auditorium... that's awesome... i had it almost done (i don't like to see a roof coming down almost 3 feet even if it doesn't fall)... so we'll see whan can be done
AWESOME!
AWESOME!
picking myself up
as easy as it sounds... but i can't take all the credit of that... destiny has been very kind with me lately, so i must do my best to keep it on my side (or at least keep myself closer to it)... ghost have faded away, but (paraphrasing led zep) the memory remains the same... it's great to feel my lungs full again!
i'm not tired at all... realising about a few things a was afraid to admit but hell, at least i'll be done with this soon... then, wings and wind... i'll fly away wherever i have to
it's funny to live some things like it'd be the last chance you'll ever have to make them... at least, i won't go to bed with that doubt in my head anymore...
i feel tired... i must sleep... read you or see you, take care
i'm not tired at all... realising about a few things a was afraid to admit but hell, at least i'll be done with this soon... then, wings and wind... i'll fly away wherever i have to
it's funny to live some things like it'd be the last chance you'll ever have to make them... at least, i won't go to bed with that doubt in my head anymore...
i feel tired... i must sleep... read you or see you, take care
